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I, as in Stephanie, had a very interesting weekend experience that caused me to learn so much about myself. My partner and I went on a date with a fun and sexy couple that we met on one of our websites. The date started as usual: we got to know each other, we had a bit of verbal flirting, and we got a hotel room. I won’t go into much detail other than it wasn't a terrible experience between the guy and me, but it wasn't as much as I would have liked it to have been. He was a great guy, just a bit too gentle for me. I kept looking over at my partner and the woman, and I was experiencing a bit of jealousy, not because he was with her but because they were having such a good time, and I wasn’t. The man wasn’t terrible by any means, he was just not providing what I was into.
Looking back afterward, I feel that I should have spoken up and said something, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to ruin my partner’s fun with the woman. But I did learn a few very important lessons with this experience. The most important revelation from this experience is I don’t want a man who tends to be submissive. I am submissive by nature and if you are not going to take control of the situation and fuck them then I don’t want to be part of the experience. I had my partner make love to me, and I just wanted to be hard-core when we were playing, but again, I did not express my desires, so here I was in a situation that I wasn’t enjoying.
Secondly, I feel as if I would have had a much better time if I had connected with the couple before jumping into bed with them. I might have had a completely different experience with the couple and enjoyed his passive nature if I had known them longer than a hot minute.
Armed with these new revelations, I now have some things to ensure before I sleep with a couple:
1. Will the man be more dominant, take control of the situation, and do me? Ensure that this expectation is established from the onset of our flirting and
2. Do I have a connection with the couple that encourages me to be more open and forthcoming about my needs and desires?
I am learning that when I am in these situations, I will automatically default to what is comfortable to me, which is to go along with others' wants instead of expressing my needs. My partner was very observant, realized what was happening, and provided an out for me, which was greatly appreciated. It is my responsibility to control my experience, but that is much easier said than done when I am in these situations and my partner is having such a great time.
With that said, I am human and have emotions that I can’t control at times. I must feel comfortable expressing those to my partner when I do feel them because he is my protector. I know this lifestyle is not easy, and I am personally navigating the obstacles that arise. I am not alone in this; I legitimately try to practice what I preach to my clients, but when shit happens, I am also honest and open so that others can learn from our journey as well. You are not alone in this; we all make mistakes.
Updated 08/28/2024
Dramatically Yours,
Dr. Stephanie
Dr. Stephanie, PhD is the founder of Evolve Your Intimacy and the author of two books, The Clinician's Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships: Working with Clients with Alternative Lifestyles and The Anti-Fight Journal, Fighting Fair in Relationships.
Being ethically non-monogamous in her personal life, she is passionate about helping others discover their relationships' true potential regardless of the dynamics. She specializes in working with individuals in alternative relationships in her private practice and hosts workshops and playshops at events, on cruises, and through her online platform.
She holds a PhD in Clinical Sexology, an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, Arizona, South Dakota, and Florida, and a Certified Sex Therapist. If you want to work with Dr. Stephanie, schedule a free consultation.
If you appreciate my work, Buy Me A Coffee! Your support is greatly appreciated.
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