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I can't be the only one this has ever happened to... our old friend Jealousy came to visit me recently, and that made me say some things in a manner that was not reflective of my true feelings, resulting in a bit of damage in my relationship. During a play session with another couple, I noticed that my partner was doing things with our lady friend that he hadn't done with me in a while. So instead of doing the right thing and communicating effectively about it I went about it completely wrong and did something never wanted to do and that is hurt him.
First, let me tell you what I did, and then I'll tell you what I should have done.
Looking back at the experience, I now see that I probably had feelings that I didn't understand in my alcohol-infused state during playtime that resulted in my sabotaging my experience.
That is called jealousy.
I saw him doing things to her that I wanted him to do to me, but instead of using that as a relationship builder, I completely messed up, got my feelings hurt, and sent him a text message. In my defense, which is mute at this point, I felt the text message would be received in a more upbeat way. But that's the thing about text messages; they are received through the ,. I tell all my couples never to talk about important issues through text, and then what I did...
Here is what I should have done but hindsight is always much more straightforward than the presented issue, right? I should have figured out what he did with her that I wanted from him and said something: "I really liked watching you do ---- to her. Do you think you could do that to me tonight?" Yes, folks, that is the mature way to deal with jealousy in this situation. Still, of course, I did not have the forethought to behave in this way, and I hurt my beloved partner because of my inability to communicate my needs effectively.
I am human. Sharing your partner is difficult at times, but I have made it even more difficult by allowing jealousy to sneak in. I know we will make it through this stronger, but it doesn't stop the initial damage my stupidity has caused. Have you ever experienced something like this? If so, how did you handle it?
Updated 08/28/2024
Dramatically Yours,
Dr. Stephanie
Dr. Stephanie, PhD is the founder of Evolve Your Intimacy and the author of two books, The Clinician's Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamous Relationships: Working with Clients with Alternative Lifestyles and The Anti-Fight Journal, Fighting Fair in Relationships.
Being ethically non-monogamous in her personal life, she is passionate about helping others discover their relationships' true potential regardless of the dynamics. She specializes in working with individuals in alternative relationships in her private practice and hosts workshops and playshops at events, on cruises, and through her online platform.
She holds a PhD in Clinical Sexology, an MS in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, Arizona, South Dakota, and Florida, and a Certified Sex Therapist. If you want to work with Dr. Stephanie, schedule a free consultation.
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